Reflecting on my blogging procrastination

It's been over two weeks since I announced my participation in 100 days to offload. And the procrastination has been on right from the second post. This post is my attempt to keep away all shackles, diagnose the issue, and note down an action plan for ahead. It's not the ideal kind of post, but it's really important to get the ball rolling.

What happened

I was planning to write a (super long due) sequel to everyday-hypocrite as my second post in the challenge. I tried to keep expectations low, set only process goals and expected of myself only a draft. Somehow, though, I managed to still procrastinate on, and on. Clearly, there were still subconscious expectations and pressure holding me back.

I tried shifting focus - writing a post on the procrastination (the one you're currently reading). As both a self-evaluation, and as a testimony to my struggles. Alas, I kept putting it off for more than a week, too. The post on procrastination wasn't spared by procrastination either.

The blame, but, doesn't just fall on hidden expectations. I haven't been in my best mental shape of late. Lots of expectations and responsibilities beyond this challenge, too. And I haven't historically been good at this juggling back and forth, even though I keep resorting back to it.

The expectation to be "worth it"

I haven't been writing for a long time. Clearly, I am out of touch, and the 'perfect words' aren't gonna fall out of thin air for me. Yet, if I am feeling inarticulate, I just decide not to go through it. Because would the time spent on creating drafts, "worth it"?

And it's also about judgement. And projections of judgement. No matter how conceptually I try to not overthink how I'll be judged - it's still a default thought stream.

And of-course, the infamous "epic script" (as described by Anne-Laure in her book). The subconscious script that makes one want to pursue only what could be large, noteworthy, "epic". I regularly fall victim to it; in all areas of my life.

I let perfect be the enemy of good. Way too often.

Exhaustion and Mental clouds

It's usual to worship people who work their arses off. It's luring, admirable. Whenever I have my share of "good days", I tend to overpush beyond my typical capabilities - because I share the same admiration, and desire to replicate such work-ethics. Behind all the lure for doing that, though, is the un-sustainability of the same.

I am no strangers to the vicious cycle of overpushing, burnout, shame, and overpushing again. It's a blind, and stupid, cycle. But it's been so deeply internalized in my "way of work" now, that it's difficult to get rid of it. Even if I am aware of it.

If that's not bad enough - I am also a persistent multitasker. People keep pointing out how I lack focus, and how unrealistic my multiple simultaneous expectations, are. I typically advocate heavily for my Scanner Personality - but in this case, I really am being a fool when I keep falling for the temptation to handle much more than I could.

In the cycles I am stuck in, my baselines for dopamine, energy levels, and mental clarity keep staying super low. And that makes it easier for me to put tasks off, pursue what's more immediately rewarding. It's all so interconnected, and it's snowballing all the way down.

What I can do

It must be clear by now that I recognize more than I could correct. This intention-reality gap¹ has been a major theme throughout my life, now. Regardless, I am gonna keep making attempts to close off that gap.

The base of that change has to consist of actions - tiny, consistent, and sloppy actions. Almost everything I care about - being a better writer, dissolving my internal impediments, getting off my perfectionist voice - would stem from that base.

It's about identity change - not just on a surface level. It's about giving my mind evidence that I can do something someway, by actually doing it. Again, and again. Facing my discomforts, the unfamiliar - in tiny doses.

It's about momentum. Once I make through that initial phase of difficulties - it's more often than not easier to follow through. It's evidenced by my two-times >120 days meditation streaks², for example. For someone terrible at sticking to things - that's one of my most impressive feats in the past few years.

The primary motivation to taking on the 100 days to offload challenge was after all the same thing. To be able to gather that momentum, practise getting off of all-or-nothing tendencies. I got off track early, and now my job is to reorient my expectations.

I'll be allowing myself a clean slate and a permission to just - scribble. About whatever I intend to. In fixed time slots. This isn't just a writing challenge. It's an exercise in doing more of what I find meaningful, even if I don't produce masterpieces all the time. It's an exercise in honoring the adage: "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing badly".

The brighter side

Yes I am sulking about how long it took for me to get to the second post. Yes I am unhappy about the topic I ended up writing about.

But look at me - I still wrote. Something. I finally set up a timer, and started drafting this post - that I probably won't have to make too many edits on anyway. This is huge.

The gap between the 3rd post on my blog, and the 4th, was over a year. Thanks to this challenge - the gap till the next (current) post is 17 days. That's a huge difference.

And I have reasons to believe that I'll make it better. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if I succeed in the challenge or not. What matters is, where the journey takes me. What I learn, who I become. Now I am too competitive to not consider getting through it somehow. But I am gonna make my best attempt to keep a healthy approach. An approach filled with tolerancee for imperfection, self compassion and persistence.